There are many things Americans can disagree on peacefully. Bagels are not one of them. So when Martha Stewart recently shared how she eats a bagel, the reaction was swift, emotional, and slightly unhinged, which feels fitting, given the circumstances. In a video posted to Instagram and later amplified across the internet, Stewart calmly demonstrated her preferred bagel-eating technique. Instead of slicing it in half, toasting it, or slathering it with cream cheese like generations before her, she cuts the bagel into small pieces, transforming it into what she cheerfully calls “sweet little bites.” The internet did not take this well.
Within hours, commenters were expressing everything from mild confusion to genuine distress. Some questioned whether this violated unspoken breakfast laws. Others wondered if this was performance art. A few simply asked, “Why?”
What Happened, Exactly
Stewart’s method is simple: knife, bagel, cutting board. The bagel is chopped into chunks, eaten piece by piece, with no visible allegiance to the classic sliced-and-schmeared format. No hinge. No chew-stretch moment. No dramatic first bite. For many viewers, this felt like watching someone eat pizza with a fork: technically possible, emotionally unsettling.
Why This Feels So Personal
Bagels aren’t just food; they’re cultural artifacts. Especially in the U.S., and especially on the East Coast, bagels come with rules. Or at least expectations. You slice them. You toast them (or passionately argue about whether you should). You spread cream cheese with intention.
Stewart’s approach bypasses all of that ceremony, and that’s where the collective gasp comes in. If Martha Stewart, patron saint of order and tradition, can disregard bagel norms, what does that mean for the rest of us?
The Internet Reacts (Predictably)
Social media did what it does best: exaggerated outrage, memes, and jokes about calling the authorities. People compared the method to cutting brownies into cubes before frosting them. Others admitted, quietly, that while they hated it… they couldn’t stop thinking about it. Which is, of course, the internet’s highest compliment.
But Here’s the Twist: It Kind of Makes Sense
Once the shock fades, Stewart’s logic emerges. Smaller pieces mean slower eating. Less mess. Better portion control. No rogue cream cheese on your chin. From a hosting standpoint, it’s basically a solo bagel board: efficient, tidy, and very on brand for someone who has strong feelings about napkin placement. Is it traditional? No. Is it practical? Annoyingly, yes.
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